Frequently when I find myself yelling out one of our household rules to the whirling dervish that is my pile of rowdy, wrestling boys, I think to myself, “Oh my gosh that is so a rule for a house of boys.” Or even (I’m not too ashamed to admit) “That is so a rule for a mom who just can’t deal.”
Yep, that’s me. A mother to a three- and an almost-two-year-old, with another on the way. Who hopes that this baby isn’t her last – even though she generally thinks herself incapable of dealing with her household’s current level of noise and activity.
Here’s a list of the rules I find myself repeating on a not-irregular basis. It may be long, but it’s far from exhaustive. (Fifty-three, schmifty-three – I’m sure I could come up with dozens more.)
What would you add?
- No sitting on your brother’s head.
- No standing on any part of your brother’s body.
- You may not ride on your brother’s back, even if he is pretending to be a horse. (Though sometimes I make an exception when the little guy is the one doing the riding, because it’s just so darned cute.)
- No rough-housing on the stairs.
- No rough-housing on Mommy.
- Do not cover your brother with pillows and then lay on him. (I ignore most mid-wrestling cries/screams, but I respond quickly to the muffled ones.)
- No sitting or standing on tables.
- No jumping off of tables.
- No climbing on bookcases.
- No climbing onto the TV console.
- No bringing spiders into the house.
- No bringing rocks into the house.
- No throwing rocks at your brother.
- No throwing anything inside the house.
- No moving chairs, boxes, etc. to give yourself access to up-high things Mommy doesn’t want you to have.
- No moving any other furniture either.
- No whining in the kitchen.
- No large toys in the kitchen.
- No baskets of toys in the kitchen. (Can you tell where I spend most of my day?)
- No lying between Mommy’s feet while she’s cooking.
- No refusing to eat food that you specifically requested that Mommy make for you.
- Yes, you must actually be sitting (not standing, not kneeling) on your chair during mealtime.
- No toys on the kitchen table.
- No roaring at the table.
- No making monster noises at the table.
- No making siren noises at the table. (My parents used to have a “no singing at the table” rule, so I don’t feel at all bad about these last few.)
- No climbing onto the kitchen counter.
- Do not touch scissors.
- Do not touch knives.
- Do not touch the toaster.
- Do not stick knives into the toaster while trying to turn it on. (Yes, that one happened.)
- Do not sit on the dishwasher door.
- Nevermind – don’t even touch the dishwasher.
- Do not open the refrigerator door without a parent’s permission.
- Do not leave the refrigerator door open.
- Do not put your toys in the refrigerator.
- Until you’re old enough to wash them, do not put your hands into the dirty dishes.
- Any toy/cup/piece of food you drop into the dish-filled sink shall remain there.
- Do not play with the trash can.
- Any toy/piece of food you drop into the trash can shall remain there.
- Do not open the nozzle to the Brita container and let the water drain all over the floor. (Yes, that one happened too.)
- You are only allowed into the bathroom to relieve yourself.
- You may not unwind the entire toilet paper roll, even if you try to wind it back up.
- You may not fill the bathroom sink with toilet paper, turn the water on full-blast, and leave it running until the water overflows.
- When you do the above, you may not run away like nothing happened, so that Mommy is alerted to the mess by the sound of water splashing onto the floor.
- When Mommy is on the phone, you must either remain quiet around her or go into another room.
- If you insist on roaring/screaming/cackling/otherwise loudly chasing Mommy through the house while she’s on the phone, she will escape upstairs, past the baby gates and beyond your reach.
- Temper tantrums will be ignored and/or removed to someplace away from Mommy.
- Yes, you have to be nice to your brother.
- No, your brother does not have to kiss you.
- No, your brother does not have to let you kiss him.
- But yes, you do have to give your Mommy a goodnight hug. It is important to have your last interaction of the day be a sweet one.
- Daddy does bedtime.
One thought on “Rules For (My) Life With Toddler Boys”
Bwahahahahaha!!!! So perfect. Especially that last one! And I think this is pretty comprehensive although I have to add, no, you may not ride your trike down the stairs.